Pieces of content captured my engagement throughout the term - highlights and notes in the margins documented themes along the way, mixed in with other key concepts. Early on I had an idea for the focus of my final paper based on the threads that I was most excited about.

In the last week of the term, I buzzed with excitement - tossing ideas for the structure and organization of the paper around in my mind. It all seemed to be clicking into place seamlessly - that is until I actually sat down to write.

It felt rushed and messy.

I started out with an introduction and conclusion, followed by some placeholder headings to give some structure. Then, I went back through print outs of each week's resources and quickly skimmed for key concepts and began synthesizing content underneath headings and into paragraphs where they seemed to fit.

I deleted and consolidated.

The writing was fragmented throughout the day. I sat at my kitchen table while my girls swirled around me - playing with Legos, drawing... I ran some errands in between - a run to the bank, a grocery pick up, getting books that arrived at the library... Alarms every three hours reminded me to give pain medication to a daughter recovering from having her wisdom teeth removed the day prior. I paused to attend Mass in the evening.

Time was ticking.

Towards the end, I shifted to my room. I told my family I could not talk (repeatedly).

It felt chaotic, yet there was some structure from the thinking I had been doing throughout the term and the framing I created.

I would have liked to have time to print out, slowly read, annotate, and revise. I should have most definitely gotten started sooner. And yet, the term had been swept up in a swirl of activity - alongside the everyday, I was wrapping up the school year, senior year festivities, the unfolding of an academic term at my own university, a memorial service for my aunt and spending time with family while they were in town, preparing for a new term to begin, a trip across the country to attend a summit and celebrate a program I had completed.

Attending school in my mid-40s as a mom of 6 and teacher educators means school work will often be on the fringes. It means sometimes I will be able to slowly savor content, and other times I need to rush to align to deadlines.

With this particular paper, the professor had actually given some flexibility to extend through the weekend. I reminded myself of that a few times throughout the day, but something propelled me on to submit by the normal deadline. I could almost taste the freedom of having the term wrapped up and craved a chance to exhale before the start of my husband's busiest season of the year at work.

I clicked submit.

This morning I noticed what I had forgotten yesterday. The paper is worth 40% of the final grade. I felt a pit in my stomach. Yet, I also felt the relief of not overthinking.

Now I wait in suspense to see the grade populate.

Was it enough?

Implications for My Own Teaching

• I frequently have students check in about how they are navigating the term and all that they are juggling alongside working towards their academic goals. Having a recent first-hand, concrete experience helps me to relate to what they are experiencing and increases my compassion for what it is like to learn as a mom and working professional.

• Based on similar tensions as I was experiencing with this paper, my students have expressed at times that the work they were submitting was not their best - that it would not fully demonstrate what they are capable of producing. It was helpful for me to need to live that tension. I was able to remind myself of the words I have told my students before, "Remember, your worth is not defined by how well you perform on this assignment or how well you do in this course."

• While I navigated writing the final paper yesterday, I acknowledged - this does not feel ideal, but I am able to draw on my strengths to navigate the process with greater ease. As an undergraduate, one of my professors encouraged me by saying, "You need to go into academia and write, write, write." Yesterday, writing felt fast and furious, but I can see strengths and think that it was at least "good enough." Nonetheless, it is good for me to keep in mind that writing is not a strength for all students, which would magnify the stress level when navigating a similar context - both in fulfilling the requirements and in waiting for feedback.

• I have noticed submission times for my students. It is not uncommon for at least some submissions to be right down to the wire or some minutes over the deadline. I do not typically operate that way, but that was definitely what happened this time. My assignment was actually flagged as late because I waited until the last minute - literally and then learned that the nuance of by a certain time meant that if you submit right on that time, it is late. It is good for me to understand a scenario of how it can happen and what it is like to work within that context.

Questions for Reflection

• What are the typical seasons of life that your students are navigating while completing your coursework? Do you have experiences taking comparable academic coursework in the same seasons? How might you put yourself in a context where you are once again a learner in order to have fresh experiences in mind that help you better drelate to the experience of your own students?

• What has your academic journey been like? With what degree of ease have you navigated coursework? Which strengths and academic capital are you able to leverage, especially when working under the pressure of a deadline? What might it be like for students who have different strengths or who find it challenging to complete the type of work required?

• How might you layer in components to support students with working towards final assignments throughout the term, rather than rushing right at the end? Do you have any flexibility if they under-estimate how long final assignments will take?